I have been thinking about the impending Zombie Apocalypse and realised that it may not be so bad after all. For a start, zombies aren't that scary. My late grandmother had more attitude. And she could move more quickly too - zombies are slow and they walk funny.
In line with the release of World War Z, our Principal Health and Safety Advisor Luke Sullivan discusses risk management strategies in a post Zombie apocalyptic world and realises it might not be that bad after all.
I have been thinking about the impending Zombie Apocalypse and realised that it may not be so bad after all. For a start, zombies aren't that scary. My late grandmother had more attitude. And she could move more quickly too - zombies are slow and they walk funny. They always drag one leg and swing their arms in jerky laboured movements making a terrible racket in the kitchen bumping into stuff and knocking things over. You can hear them coming a mile off. And if you don’t hear them, you’ll smell them. Can you imagine ninety nine percent of the population never washing themselves or changing their clothes ever again? No amount of Issey Miyake would kill the stink. And what about their reflexes? I mean, they’re not going to be signed up as goalie for the Socceroos anytime soon are they? Let’s face it, when it comes to doomsday scenarios, zombies just don’t cut it - they’re slow, dim-witted and easy to kill.
Still, you have to feel sorry for them. It must be awful being a member of the undead. All that heavy breathing, BO and an insatiable appetite for human flesh that can never be satisfied. I feel like grabbing them and saying in a Southern United States drawl, “Wee’ll yur a persistent SOB, I’ll give ya that. But u gotta get a grip on yourself! And don’t u be hangin’ round ma kitchen and bad mouth’n ma family, or I’ll intradoose ya to ma pa’s shotgun.”
On realising this fundamental flaw in doomsday credibility, the movie moguls of Hollywood got together and came up with a plan. “Let’s give our zombies a month of boot camp, feed them up on bully beef and pay them well!” The result is World War Z. Now the zombies can run, climb, work as a team and make rude signs. No more smelly ghouls! These guys mean business!!
So how does one risk manage the new age zombie? Well, it’s a little difficult, but not impossible. First of all get yourself a Hummer, or wait for the neighbour’s to become available (they’ll have joined the ranks of the walking dead and won’t need it) - that’s your daily commuter sorted. For home, you’ll need a good quality outdoor PA from Staging Connections to play “Friday” by Rebecca Black on a continuous loop. Next, you’ll need a high pressure water cannon, capsicum spray, tear gas and a spud gun (research has shown that zombies hate potato).
Now, all of you on-the-ball risk managers will know I’ve broken the golden rule of risk management. All of the above risk controls are Personal Protective Equipment (PPE to those in the know). Every good risk manager with the Hierarchy of Controls firmly etched into their psyche understands that you must have higher level controls in your hazard control plan - PPE should be your last resort! Well, the moguls thought of that too. Yep, you guessed it. Brad Pitt.
Written by Luke Sullivan, Principal Advisor Health & Safety, Staging Connections.
Luke’s mantra to the business is StageSafe, Every Show, Every Event and despite being a Vivienne Westwood clothes horse, he takes a very practical approach to safety.